Gaining Through Losing

We've been gaining one good thing through losing another. I'm so proud to be with you, my friends.

Lots of Love. Smooches. Every ever disgrace and spites when we were together shatters into pieces. As far as I'm concerned, I'm a person who doesn't pronounce my real pain; I'm coward but desperate to risk for goals. And maybe that's why, wherever I go, whenever I am, I always need your best wishes and encouragement. Darlings, no more tears, no more shivers. I won't turn my back on you, I don't wanna let you down. I'm a fleeting star in the sky, I want to glitter in your eyes.

So many lovely ladies, so many adorable boys, you occupy my most important part of youth, make up the most outstanding stories of mine. Next time you see me, touch me, kiss me, hold me. You must love me.

Evolutional Metamorphosis

Grow up, mature, be stronger. I want to be a better man. I endeavor to try and try.

To be honest in shame, I never adapt myself to the living reality, though I pretend to. Throughout allocations these years, I waste much time complaining, murmuring, seeking and end, and indulging myself in missing good old days, which were not truly good, which used to be disgracefully compared to the even-older days. Moreover, I fail to sustain a long-term in-depth relationship with people. I'm changeable, usually in emotional roller-coaster, only to make people around me offended and puzzled.

Nevertheless, if so, then why do I shed tears when farewell to old units, old colleagues, and acquaintances? What recalls my nostalgia, what makes me reluctant to leave? There must be something sweet or some parts touching in the bad new days.

There are times, people compliment me on being unique, courageous, and clinging to my true colors. They say successful people are such because they cling to their principle. It's paradoxical. Most people are not doing their likes. There ain't so many likes available. Most barely try to make a living, including me. What's being flexible, what's being changeable, there is a thin line in between. Anyway, anyhow, I'm tired of regretting, feeling sorry to the left, having vague illusion of the coming days. Cherish what I own, before it's too late.

Boy Eleven: Ordinary Personality In Extraordinary Look

Just like all daydreams, which will wake up eventually. He has an outstanding contour and facial features, more than a super star. He is tall, he is strong. When he smiles, I see the ceiling grow the roses creeping and crawling all along the office; if he were to frown, the sun would fall. Then the globe's catastrophe come.

Not to mention he is from one of the world's most fantastic metropolis, receives the highest education, owns the highest title, and has the most admirable profession. His future is more than promising after the substitute service. His existence irritates the gods' pride and flushes the goddesses' cheeks. He proves the divine creative force's masterpiece and wisdom. He is more than amazing. Invincible, impeccable, incredible, irresistible, before we met in the lift.

He replied to one colleague civil serviceman murmuring about the present work and rules. Like a puppy. He sticked to his cellphone before and after taking the lift. Not the first time. Probably romance. His put his lower hem of the shirt outside the jeans. Very much his style.

He reminds me, handsome dudes eat and sleep, too.

Dinner With Boy Ten

I originally didn't figure to compose two entries on Ten. To me he per se isn't too much an interesting material.

But in the dorm after work, he came to me said, "Did you have dinner yet?" "No." "How about going out together?" Though most dinners I ate alone, I didn't object eating with a half-strange boy. I personally decided to go to nearby 明志 University Of Technology to enjoy famous soy sauce mixed delicacies. It took 20 minutes to ride a motorcycle there; fortunately he was barely 55 kg for me to carry.

On the way, he said he was preparing a certification exam for financial insurance broker, the same occupation as his mom. His mom recently hoarsened her voice due to overwork. His major in college is information management, but he won't be engaged in the computer-related industry. "Too many people in this industry" he said. Well, there are bees in his mind.

There were awkward moments between us once in a while. Unavoidable. While Ten always forced to squeeze a dull laughter, only to make it even more embarrassing. For all that, he is quite a good mate to go with. He doesn't have different opinions from mine. My decision is our decision. And I feel free to comment on many things and ask him many questions without worrying to defeat the pathetic masculine dignity of most boys, whom I meet hate to be "taught".

Ten praised my taste for food. He liked the delicacy I brought him to. When back home, I read a novel in the laundry room, and he sticked around me. Interesting. Ten is not attractive, and me, either. But well, ha ha, better accompanied than alone, for both of us.

Boy Ten: I Just Don't Wanna Be Alone

Boy Ten lived in the room next next to mine in our dorm. He came to the Department Of Health two months later than I did. No offense, he wasn't as achieved as me in schooling. The college he attended I never heard of before. Besides, he is small and slim. He came from Kaohsiung, people where are characterized for being "local Taiwanese."

I dropped him I would go to Taipei Fine Art Museum last weekend. He quickly asked to go with me. He said it was hopelessly boring to stay in the dorm all weekend long. "Then why not go out", I asked. "I hated going out alone."

On the way to the museum, he told me he wished to make use of his one-year stay in Taipei during this substitute service to visit the most of the metropolis. He named a few places he'd been to. All were with one of his old classmates who worked by washing cars in the afternoon til 9 PM in Taipei. Mostly at midnight they two visited Taipei. "Before then he had to work."

I asked where he wanted to work after military service. "Definitely Kaohsiung." He is so close with his family. As a matter of fact, his mom's parents resided right next to his parents' home. "They usually borrow salt and oil when preparing dinner."

"What if you grow up, when friends have their own families to pay attention to, and no one accompanies you?" "It won't happen. Most classmates of mine in Kaohsiung are typically home-keeping boys. "

He emphasized, "Go out alone is pathetic." "Yet stay all weekend long in the dorm is no better."

Eternal Sunshine On The Spotless Mind

Innumerable thanks to these sweeties, for spending with me a splendid period of time in the Bureau Of International Cooperation. There used to be hypes as well as low tides, there were both good times and bad times, and at farewell moments, all turn out to be romantic memories in my mind. Girls, I see the eternal sunshine reflected on your spotless minds.

Oscar With Curly Hair

On the photo, I wearing a big curly hair am quite a scary thing, right? I wore this hairdo to attend my anatomy class, to dissect the corpse, and to visit Italy! It was when I was a sophomore. Italy per se is a fun place to visit, but that journey wasn't palatable. We group members had an argument with the Taiwanese tour guide. What a pity. Cannot enjoy the full beauty and joy of the splendid country. Many people thought my curly hairdo is a catastrophic disaster. But I did ever encounter passengers who admired me, possibly not truly my hair but my guts. Yes, just try it. Life is a one-way road; we go on and on and are never gonna turn around. It' a fight; once you get on board, say goodbye 'cause you can't go back.

Oscar In High School

Looking back when I was in senior high, I don't find myself a happy person. Maybe at that time, I wasn't sensible and socialized enough. I was over self-centered, proud, strong-headed, regardless of others' feelings. As I remembered, there was a period I wasn't popular. Classmates hated me. I was isolated, gloomy, and verjuiced. Anyway, it was all past.

However, when I came back home taking out the old photo albums and reviewing, I was surprised I left behind so may laughters and funny behaviours to go this long way. As if the sad and grey cuts were removed; only the happy moments were collected to make a beautiful jigsaw picture.

Anyhow, I think I'm happier than I was. I'm more comfortable with myself. I'm more grounded, and I know to care and respect others. What matters is listen to my heart, and fights for the most important thing in life, that is, my family. Family dominates every thing.

Boy Nine: The Privileged And The Pillaged

Surrounded by so many bold, tall, perfectly-curved, angel-faced boys, like Baby Jay and The

Two New Yorkers, I feel unfair and frustrated at times. After all, life is not as good as it gets.
At initial, I didn't know Boy Nine much, though we were in the same troop during the military service training; the only image I had on him was that his registered number was often called and blamed by our captains. However, my parents knew him earlier than I did, for they are acquainted with Nine's parents. My parents and Nine's family group came together to visit us on the "Family Visit Date".

Two families sat together. During a short period of chat, some stories of Nine were revealed. Strictly speaking, though he is not significantly mentally retarded, he has had severe delay in development and learning since he was born. His mom said, back when Nine was an infant, he had problems digesting and eating. Afterwards, he went to school; he could get good grades in history and geography, not too bad in language, but desperately terrible in mathematics. He tried to keep up, his parents still encouraged him, but grades were always at the incredible bottom. And it's through numerous setbacks and letdowns that Nine finally made it to the college and acquired a bachelor degree.

Nine is tall and fat. His teeth is well located but seemingly too prominent. A smile was on his face all the times. In that chat having him around the table for barely a minute, I could instantly tell something different in Nine. He could not catch the nuanced changes and implicit hints in people's words and facial expressions. When he quickly regarded me as an acquaintance of his parents, he talked to me excitedly and let all words out on me. He was too naive I thought. His reactions were also too slow.

After our parents left, in the last two weeks in the training center, Nine had a hard time. While most people were getting familiar with the captain's orders as well as the absurd living style in the army, Nine behaved distinctly awkward and sluggish. One day, he missed an order. The result was, he was commanded to stand in front of our more than 100 comrades under the cruel sun, undergoing a series of demeaning curses and harsh damns. One by one, the captain and other leaders took turns calling him names at his face. The scene was rather like in Mainland China in 1960s, when the Communistic soldiers attacked and punished the "impure thinking" villagers. I saw Nine keep his innocent smiles, not knowing this look would irritate the relentless officers. He did not explain himself why he repeated the same errors; he did not know to apologize, either. At that moment, I thought I had the responsibility to do something for him. I should go to the officer and explained for him that, he was a little bit impaired. With all these, I drew back; I was afraid I would be involved by minding others' business. I chose silence.

Leaving the training center, we were sent to different units, but once in a while I 'll inquire my parents about Nine's recent conditions. Knowing he leads an easy life now, I feel relieved and comforted. He has a good nature; he has a crowd of family caring for him; but the society is callous. He needs more understanding and protection.

Last weekend, I visited Nine and his parents. His mom was at 50s but still energetic and optimistic. She told me, sometimes she would blame herself for doing something imperfect or inconsiderate to let her child worse developed than others. To name some, some mysterious power interfered with her baby during pregnancy; the water she gave Nine as an infant was too raw and too irritating, etc. We all understand, it's never difficult to recite a thousand excuses to account why you tripped on your way growing up. I told her, I usually regret as well for throwing out the unpalatable lunch box and didn't eat a meal at noon at high school; I guess that's why now I'm 173 cm in height, not 183. She laughed.

We are always comparing, because we are always competing. Encountering a privileged person made us feel pillaged, and vice versa.

Oscar From The Blocks

"Don't be fooled by the rocks that I got. I am still Oscar from the blocks. Used to have a little now I have a lot, no matter where I go I know where I came from", Jennifer Lopez.

People go, people come, disputes amongst people never stop. One of my favorite TV shows is a reality series, "Who Is America's Next Top Model". I like it not only because it's about fashion, but because it's about competition. In our daily life, we need to pretend courteous and nice all the times to our colleagues. It makes sense, it's necessary, and I won't feel it hypocritical. But it's not always truthful. As a matter of fact, we will meet somebody we like, and simultaneously someone who sucks to us. Or the condition can be, that guy is not evil, he is kind, but he threatens or pressures our existence. What's worse, we have to deal with him all day long. Then, what's the next step? ANTM exposes the concealed and disguised parts in our daily life.

As one participant in it said, this is a competition for America's Next Top Model, not America's Next Best Friend. Nevertheless, this saying isn't all that right; on the contrary, there are many times we indeed desire somebody to give us a hand. You cannot achieve anything simply alone. To me, if misunderstandings are ubiquitous and disputes are inevitable, what matters most is to let the unpleasant affairs become a positive strength to hold us up instead of knocking us down. The judges in ANTM usually remind the contestants, don't let the trifling arguments in the dorm with other contestants interfere your performance, because if so, it's nonprofessional. No one will excuse you, sympathize you, until you really become somebody. As an audience, I also witness many participants hated by or hating another one. Between two participants, one goes up, and another goes down. Whether one concentrates on the business or competition differentiates the result.

Bonnie Listens To The Music

If I were not to meet them in the Bureau Of International Cooperation, I would not convince myself that such adorable girls at their 20s or 30s could possibly still remain single.

Last night I dined with two girl colleagues. One is a section chief at early 30s. She looks similar and even sweeter and younger than Meg Ryan. The other is the director-general's able-minded secretary at mid-20s, Jade. As in the photo at right, she looks juicy, a nice dish. These two share something in common. 1. They are single for quite a while. 2. They are nice-looking. They have good innate body conditions without doubt, and what's more, they know how to care about their skin, hair, and establish their style. 3. They are not lesbians. Ha ha......... 4. They spend one year of their splendid youth in England for the master degree.

In my guess, the last explains most for their being single. One year in a foreign land can halt a lot of local romances and lose a lot of opportunities to get a mate in Taiwan. Not to mention a girl acquiring a master degree in England sweeps away a lot of incompetent candidates.

I know little about Meg Ryan, but as for Jade, she has an ideal boyfriend model in her mind. Hey hey, very ideal. It's a guy in the nearby unit. He has a rich experience of living overseas; he is tall, strong, small-faced, stylish, well-mannered, and doctor-degree-crowned. Nothing compares to him, in our small drab circumstances of work. Pitifully to Jade, he has an oversea girlfriend. What's worse, Jade is timid like a chicken when it comes to confronting her infamiliar loverboy. Most girls are doing this way. Me, too. He he......

If these nice girls are alone, then wonder I can't find a mate, either. Even so, I feel sorry for them. They deserve good men. They should not be alone. They don't want to be alone. I don't wanna be, either.

Dine With Boy Eight

I dined with DoveCalf last night. He was my peer of my team during the unforgettable military service last August. Tears and blood crammed that period. Many companions, including my roommate Mr. Jay, said they could take that experience easy and had forgotten about it. No. To me, it's beyond that. Therefore, it renders the dine with a peer of that time so elevating and refreshing.

Mr. DoveCalf is cute. He looks so much younger than what he actually is. Not too tall, but very fit. He owns a master degree in electronic engineering. We were allocated to separate units after that month, and at present, he serves as a civil serviceman in national fire agency in Taipei. Ironically, although our working place is near, the last time we met and dined was last year in Tainan City. Long lost friends we can be. And this time, we decided to meet again because I told him I am leaving this hectic and hilarious metropolis soon due to the superior's assignment. I feared missing this reunion was missing a lifetime chance. Thank God we make it. Thank Mr. DoveCalf for accompanying me.

I don't know Calf much actually, but more or less, during that month together in hell, he gave me a good impression. The classic type of "boy", real boy, not capricious me, not formidable New York doctors, not verjuiced Bill, not tough Michael, nor stubborn Jay. He preserves the real image to me: easy-going, nice, good at science, fond of basketball and video games. He can play dirty jokes, but watches his deed and words simultaneously. Maybe he is just common, but you gotta know to be ordinary is the most adorable trait. It implies a balanced development of growth. Or maybe he is not as common as I figure, but too little do I know him to mold him extraordinary.

In our dinner, he revealed some off and on parting and joining with his girlfriend. Why they parted he didn't give clear explanations, but they join together because they are used to each other, he said. I won't take it as a bad reason, especially after so many seasons of my loneliness. Sometimes, when you're jaded with work, when you're exhausted with life's load, when you're perplexed, when you're lost.......... a lover is sweeter than ice cream. On the contrary, there are times a lover you torture and puzzle you. Anyway, better there is than not. Nobody wants to wake up alone.

I recommend Calf to read 圍城 Fortress. Inside the book the famous saying goes, "Marriage is like a fortress, where insiders want to get out, and outsiders want to get in." Nevertheless, life is an one-way avenue. No one can regret and re-make choices. Pathetically, if you never get in, how to persuade yourself to stay out?

Endless Rain, Hot Winter, Chilly Spring

I left this blog for quite a while. More than one weak at least. Longer did I leave my regular jogging of 10 thousand miles once three times a week. Don't know how to condemn myself for practicing sloth. If necessary to explain something, I stop blogging because I spare time for reading Chinese novel classics. I read beyond ten already so far in one month, as if I hungered for tasty meat and mellow wine. The price I paid is my alienation of English. Well, you can't gain everything.

The climate is getting weird year by year. I never experienced in my memory such a hot winter and cold spring. Thereby, I can't put on the best clothes in the right condition. Always guess the wrong weather. Ridiculous to say, in a time like this, the weather is as freak as humans, like me. Jerk. Asshole.

If I could tell the world just one thing, it would be "I'm fine", in spite of the labile values and capricious world around me. Again and again, I'm allocated to different work and transferred to different places. I face different looks, establish new relationship, reconstruct my ego, transform my identity. To try new stuff is possibly fun; at least you learn more, know more. However, to be a new me, or saying to adapt to new colleagues and superiors, is never easy. Neither is it easy to handle old members. Time flowing like a river, relationship rolling like a wheel, flying birds gone, flourish flowers fade, flames to dust, lovers to friends, difficult are either you or I to please every one, no matter how hard we try. Just smooth the soul, calm the worries, take a deep breath, and stay positive.

Strange with the new; tired with the old. Life has been a struggle, to me and to most people I know. The girl ahead of me in my office considers going abroad for the PhD. degree; she is gorgeous, she is at her late 20s, and she has to study and prepare for overseas exams. The girl right to me is down due to the confounding job dilemma; she has worked here for half a year already and hasn't got paid yet due to administrative procedure delay, you know, administrative things. She wants a more stable and reliable job. Another girl who left our unit last year is still looking for a new job. She applied for a few but didn't make it. Finding a job is always like this, a lag between what you want and what you can get.

Stand alone in the crossroads, try to find my own home, my own road, on my own. And I listen. Listen to the song deep in my heart, a melody I start and haven't completed.

Old Photos/ Thanks

I cannot stop reviewing and playing with these old pictures. So many beautiful figures and poses in them. Again, they are my college classmates. We used to be happy together, then drifted apart as time went by, due to in different places, positions, and personality differences, to name some. If not for these image records, I'd have forgotten how splendid and interesting those moments were.

And I want to dedicate my thanks to all present colleagues around me. They help me create new photos which will end out old ones, appreciated by future me. I don't want to pretend goody-goody by saying all the colleagues are my teachers, friends, lovers. No, not all . Conflicts in life still exist. But it doesn't erase many of them's kindness, naiveness, and living humour. I do grow up somehow by getting alone with them and observing them. Well, it's funny to say that, only in the leisure time when you don't have to earn money can you really enjoy life. However, in order to enjoy life we try very hard to earn money. It becomes a vicious cycle, a bittersweet symphony, a meaningful satire. Do people call it "C'est la vie"?

Fun to mention, most of my colleagues are girls or ladies. Don't know why, but I have less pressure to deal with them than men. Men are, ah, stereotypically speaking, more violent, rude, impulsive, haphazard, free, erotic, and less sentimental, considerate, sweet, and temperate. To the most part I am more like a girl. Besides, I have to admit that I don't know the art of fraternity much. Sigh. This might explain somewhat why I write a series of boys on my blog. I try to know them by analysing them. But knowing a boy definitely doesn't mean knowing how to be with him. In brief, I'm girls' boy, not boys'. Ladies, thanks for being with me in my life.

Oscar In Japan

I visited Japan the second time in the summer vacation between the fifth and sixth degree of college as an exchange student. I stayed there for two months. Not only good things happened. For example, I was scolded and humiliated by one Japanese professor in public. This unanticipated unpleasant affair had some following adverse effects when I was back to Taiwan. Anyway, it was a long long story. I just want to emphasize that, going abroad and doing an exchange student isn't as fun or cool as it sounds; at times you would stumble and fall down. Definitely, it depends on people. One senior colleague in my office just said to me one minute ago that, she noticed I was inclined to piss people off accidentally by uttering haphazard words. Mm, she can say that again. Bitter words are like swords; I was once hurt and hurting people by them, too. This can really be one of my drawbacks. Communication, communication............. to some people it means to persuade instead of being persuaded.

Anyhow, that journey to Japan is memorable. There was astonishing beauty of skyscrapers, temples, and nature. There were over-polite Japanese people. There was an adventure of famous gay blocks. There were arguments, anger, cold wars, and compromise with the mates from Taiwan. And on the photos with me are all Japanese classmates who were nice to me but lost contact afterwards. Everybody has his busy life to fight. No time to look back.