Past/Oscar/Future

How do you feel about these pictures? Mm, I feel not bad. To a certain degree artistic and innovative. I'm the action director of these pictures, inspired by "Crouching Tigers, Hidden Dragons", Ann Lee's classic film. On the photos are me and my college classmates in our college days. I still remember that day I was sort of upset. It was because of another classmate who took this picture. I didn't like him much, but he showed up to join this tour in the last moment before we started. Anyhow, it was all past. He is now in Sao Tome and Principe serving his substitute military service as a physician in the local hospital. Good luck to him.

After nearly two months' leave from my home, I took this Chinese New Year vacation coming home. No surprise, I was utterly indulged in the warm sunshine and sweet air of hometown. It doesn't necessarily have to be stretching farms, sprawling mountains, busy harbours, clear rivers, etc. to make you touched, rest, and emancipated. It can be nothing but because it's your home: numerous small stores without high-rising department store, no luxurious restaurant but many attractive local desserts, beautiful parks, cheerful and prosperous festivals. The family, the home, the memory when I was with them and in it, are some things I can't live without. Do people call it nostalgia? Yeah, family affections are like a giant magnet, deeply attracting you wherever you go, whatever you do. The unfailing power refreshes itself if there is a new member participating, and goes stronger even if we lost someone.

You know, I really think I shall come back home to work, though there is no okay hospital there. But papa and mama are with me. No need for cars or commutation. We share all the housework. No need to pay apartment rent. I'm not lonely. Relatives are around. I can eat safe in my own kitchen. I really shall do that one day, right?

To Start Is Always Hard

After a 5-day vacation plus two weekends back to back, I'm back for office. Oops, some trouble pursues. On my way to work on Monday, my EasyCard (MRT fare card) was expired. Never heard of this right? Can EasyCard be expired with even one thousand NT dollars left in the fund? Yes, it can. The card had no function at all when I took buses and embarrassed me a lot. Eventually, I went to the service desk of the MRT station; the staff promised to give me the reimbursement, only probably after one week. Anyhow, I feel a little bit uncomfortable for made inconvenient.

And this is not the only thing ludicrous. I never experienced the obstruction of the flush toilet beside my office. I guess more than one week's rest makes even the toilet practice its sloth. Damn. When the water mingled with toilet rose up to your ass and came near spilled............. Disgusting.

Besides, not only objects are out of order, but people are, too. This morning I helped one senior colleague prepare a meeting which already noticed the various attending units to mail us documents at least two weeks ago. Pitifully, some of them were so late to do it that they brought them to the conference room, and I had to put them on all the many desks again and again since they arrived in different time. Can't believe they are experienced elderly governmental officials. Delay and drag-outs don't ask the ages.

Oh, Mama and Baby's images occurred to m again. Miss them, in the sunny noon.

Boy Seven: Always Be My Baby

See, he is incredibly cute...... I have an indescribable and unstoppable crush on him, love him, adore him, want him, kissed him, lipped him, touched him, embraced him, bit him, sucked him. He lights up my life. He is my nephew, one and only, up to this moment.

He hasn't had an English name yet. Any kind person who knows how to give an English name please contact me. It was the first time I saw him on the third day of the lunar year during the Chinese New Year holidays when my brother took him coming home. His existence is an amazing grace to me and my family: I turn out to be a cousin, my parents to grandparents, and my father turns out to be a father! Cool~

There are some things fun I found in my baby nephew, who was born more than one month ago. His sole skin is softer than my face, just like silk. He enjoys sitting on the pirate ship; when he cries, holding him in my arms swaying left and right can halt his tears for a while. He drinks milk, then hiccups and farts, then cries and strains, then sleeps, then wakes up, then cries, and then drinks milk again. It's such a simple cycle of living. No worries, regular, all for subsistence necessity. Sounds great, ah? I wanna be a baby, too.

And there are changes of relationship amongst our family members beyond expectations accompanying a baby's birth. He seems to be a lubricant, smoothening the conflicts in family, lightening the hostility, inducing us to understand more, care more, and have a few steps back when working together.

Oh, my boy darling, you'll always be a part of me, and I'm part of you so definitely. No way will anything gonna break us 'cause you'll always be my baby.

Boy Six: The Real Slim Shady Please Stand Up

Today is his last day of stay in the Department Of Health. Therefore, though I 'm not especially familiar with him, I think I have to write an entry for him in memory of this popular type of boy.

When I heard that one girl aged 26 in my office had an unspoken love with him aged 24, I was quite surprised. His face is written with, "I'm a bad boy." He smokes. He drinks. He loves night parties. He is crazy when having fun. He is young. These characteristics aforementioned, to a certain degree, means promiscuity to me. And it will drive me mad if my daughter is to marry him. But who knows? It may simply be my prejudice. Time will tell.

If it were not that I joined a dinner union having him and that girl of my office together, I would never talk to him. I remembered in that dinner, I asked him some personal questions, such as where he was from and what kind of job he'll do after leaving the Department Of Health. He rudely declines my question. I was OK. Maybe he thinks I'm a jerk. That's how I impress most people around me. Ha ha.........

Though I don't like his wild style, and I might never be his friend, I admire him sincerely. He looks free of worries. His smile is radiant with youth and vigor. Girls like him. Boys are around him. He is the stereotype of young guns: full of manhood, regardless of the outdated disciplines of society. To him, I guess, life is having fun, and not to worry 'cause worry is wasteful and useless in times like this. He impresses me much by knowing clearly how life should be wasted.

And once again, his existence reflects my pathetic dilemma of living. Most of time, I am in an occasion or group which I don't think I belong to. I feel distracted outside; endless vanity overwhelms me. I don't ask much. I just wanna feel, feel real love and life ever after. I can't get enough. There is a big hole in my soul in want of contact and understanding.

Body Code Of Pathetic Oscar

Weight：56.1 kg

Height：173 cm

Age：24

Body Fat：5%

Body Water：71.8%

Body Muscle： 50%

Boy Five: I'm Not Ready To Make Nice

Boy Interrupted

Since I entered school, whenever there was speical occasion, I was asked or possibly said invited to do a dance or singing show in the party. Though I looked shy and behaved awkwardly in the daily time, which is by far not the style that could go onto the stage, when I was pushed for it, I transformed myself into an out-and-out jerk, and, a joke. It was like on drugs, or caught by a ghost, or letting another me in my recess of heart out. After performance, I saw people laugh, I heard applause, but I forgot what I just had done. There were times the audience sent me my performance document or record. You know what? I could not stand myself watching it for more than 5 seconds, after a surge without origin of disgust came up and suffocated my breath, compelling me to flip my finger to close the window on the computer. Til now still, I resist that me. You can't freak yourself to get any good in most time of our true life.

Anyway, last night's dinner party by the Bureau Of Medical Affairs was really fun. I freaked myself again. Besides, we had an activity to draw lots for prizes. The lady colleagues at my table were incredibly crazy and eager for winning it. When their names was called by the lot-drawer, these ladies at their 30~40s burst out laughing without any concealing; when they were not called, the expression of disappointment soon emerged on their face with screams and blames and shouts. It was so fun for them being so true of themselves. My previous experience was totally different in the hospital's year-end party. We did the same lot drawing. I remembered after I didn't win any prize, I whined and moaned with pity and jealousy. My colleagues at my table frowned at me as if I should have kept cool since losing prizes was no big deal at all. Yeah, I know, pretentious people were bores. To be well-mannered doesn't mean to be pretentious, and rudeness is not frankness. We sometimes are just enthusiastic about living and fun and we are eager for emancipation from year-by-year's routines.

Boy Four: He Sells Estee Lauder Cosmetics

Don't be surprised that AnnLee is a boy, though he sold Estee Lauder cosmetics in the department store.

AnnLee is two years younger than me; however, he entered the military system half a year earlier. After entering the Department Of Health, he works in the section which I did in the Bureau Of Medical Affairs. That's how I get to be familiar with him. And of course you can say he is my senior in the military service field. He helped me a lot actually. Not until I left his section did I realize this. From the first day I arrived, he had been friendly to me. He introduced me to other senior colleagues actively and acquainted me with the new environment, rendering me less alienated. This kind of thing is not a routine. I remembered in my hospital days when I took turns working in every different department, the old staff did not give us newcoming doctor a glimpse at all. Not to mention teaching how to survive an inexperienced condition. People were always callous; they'd rather see you fault and fall than spend time on a stranger. You see why AnnLee was distinctly favourable to me.

The reason I said I was late to appreciate AnnLee's favours is because I wasn't too contently happy in that section at that moment. I mentioned that my job was mostly like an office boy running errands others were reluctant to do. That's what we civil servicemen were for truthfully speaking. Knowing I was sort of embarrassingly unwilling, AnnLee shared the giant most of our work in common. Then I was even more embarrassed. Sounds funny. A 2-year-younger brother is more matured and understanding than I am. I don't infer AnLee is a strictly-behaved boy responsible for his missions or something. On the contrary, he more likely worships and carries hedonism. He smokes, bought LV bags for himself and his new girlfriend, played some tricks to enjoy a workday off, etc. But in spite of these tolerable flaws, when you have business to deal with him, you can find him communicable and reliable.

One month after I worked with AnnLee, I heard from colleagues that he was a salesman in the department store in 新竹 before his military service. He sold Estee Lauder cosmetics. He told me he hugely raised the sales on behalf of his spot. He impressed his boss very much and hence preserved himself a job after his military service. That isn't easy, especially in this time when good jobs are difficult to find at his so young age without distinguished academic records or background.

Yesterday I played some tennis with AnnLee. He was totally fresh, and did quite a few amazing shots though. His quick grasp of strokes reminds me of another boy in my school who played one month tennis with me, later on drifted apart from me and became a stranger to me. On the court last night, I had a talk with AnnLee. He was indeed eloquent and had a playful personality; no wonder he could qualify his salesman job. We shared some ideas about investments and future career. I was impressed by him; I know I knew nothing at all about life and the world at his age. Compared to the suppressive and over-self-esteemed Boy Three JayDavid, AnnLee is more convincing to me he can fit in a brilliant salesman career.

To Live Or Not To Live

In the end of reading the Chinese fiction "To Live 活著", my heart was throbbing and my emotions were on the roller coaster. No tears on my face, but the scenes, the tesnion and conflicts among villagers, the anger, compromise, and struggle in each role, are all vivdly inscribed in my memory as if I could see them in my eyes. I am touched by the power of the strong perseverance contained in the book in order to to survive, to make a living, to squeeze out oneself a spot in the shitty environment, where poverty spread, dogs ate dogs, and life was not earthly cherished or respected. The deep implications in these easily understood words try to reveal that, fame came, furniture gone, if one holds on there refusing to succumb to destiny, then he can really live enough to win your life. On the contrary, if one is desperate in his belief to live, nobody else can save him from the profound well.

Don't know why. Though I'm still young at the age of 25, I think I've seen better days. As I get older, more and more affairs take me to reconsile, to bend my head saying I will, to smile at people I hate. I wonder if this is the avenue to maturation. I struggled again and again to come this way. I didn't mean to hurt people I loved or to disappoint people by whom I was believed. I desired for a little space to make a choice out of my own will, then take my deep breath, having the prerequisite that not standing on others' way. Isn't it that difficult?

These days I know I angered quite a few colleques by refusing to attend and do shows on New Year's Party, refusing to do the Marshall Islands Project, refusing to go abroad, refusing to do others a favour, refusing every thing. After so many refusals I get myself confused now. How important my principle is? Why can't I be rendered more uselful and available to others, for possibly one day I may need their favours, too. I stumble and crumble. Whether living pressure or living meaning counts I dither; I am a werecked bird, trying to fly high but failed. The sweet and the bitter in living come alternatively; I've been searching a nestle to rest.

Manic Monday

It's just another manic Monday. Quarrels with a bitchy cow, difficulties in getting out of bed, purposely shunning of the boss, etc....... all are routines. And I'm reading "To Live" by a Chinese author 余華 written in 1994. Quite a satire it is to make me laught out loud with tears of sympathy. I have to spend some more paragraph on it later on afterI finished it.

Who says the higher above the ground, the wider the horizon is? Every one can see him on top, but he can see nobody. The nearer the heaven is, the farther the ground becomes. In face of the sun, shadows fall behind. Once you look above, reluctant is he to look down. He walking up, with a whirl of a wind comes a thunder of the applause from people on the ground; there are wonders in their marvels: from this high, what if falling down shattered around?

The Department Of Health Orphan

This noon I finished reading the Chinese classic novel, "亞細亞的孤兒" created in 1945 by the famous Taiwanese author, 吳濁流 who past away 30 years ago. During reading, I reflected myself as the poor sad figure in the friction. In it, the leading role stepped into his tragical destiny in the chaotic environment in the Japanese colonization period of Taiwan. He could not find his own niche in that era, when Japan discriminated its colony Taiwan while China regarded Taiwan as a rebel, as I can't earn myself an ideal position between Taiwan and Marshall Islands, from the Bureau of Medical Affairs to International Cooperation. Situated in different locations, losses and gains are both accompanied. Neither the role in the book nor myself can possibly tell which choice is best or most appropriate. Maybe that's why I've drifted from one place to another, hesitated from here there.

I know I'm insatiable. Frankly speaking, my conditions are subjectively and objectively fine. I'm not in as harsh the circumstances as the fiction background. Most colleagues of mine are friendly and respectful to me. So what on earth is bothering me? What makes me struggle, why do I fight?

And then I read my classmate's blog. He described his life in the troops nowadays, nearly a tearjerker: endless non-sense crazy-driving errands, disgusting fraternity system, a bad-tempered leader, horrifying requirements, to name some. Well, that classmate of mine is quite a "childe" as I am. However, I fall in a humanistic unit, and he doesn't. That makes our difference. I have space to fight and doubt; he has nothing. Maybe, probably, possibly, I'm that kind of person who can never find my own niche. Never ever.

Afternoon Tea

The weather keeps chilly these days. But there is sunshine without rain. I strongly resist getting out of my bed in the morning, but afterwards take a walk in the daytime under the sun is quite a joy actually.

My proposal for leaving my bureau was rejected by Peter, while it's undeniable that we've drifted apart. It's okay. Colleagues said some words trying to comfort me, but I don't feel as terrible as they imagined. Neither regret for submitting the proposal, nor disappointment at being refused, since life is never 100% as good as one can get. For example, I hate my prominent mandibles and chin and my small eyes, but pitifully I was born with them. Similarly, I dislike the job I do now and the bureau I stay and the boss I work for, but the work itself is compulsory and I'm nothing but a pawn being manipulated by him. Then, if I hate all these and am eager to get rid of, where can I go for? Will the next position be better? How will people think of me leaving and coming back again? I need to admit that I wasn't too satisfied with my previous work environment, either. I cannot assure myself coming back there can make me happier. Possibly, staying in the present office is acceptable. I'll try to strike a balance between letting out of my true self and not upsetting Peter too much. At least there is one thing I feel good: to Peter, I'm worth retained rather than expelled.

It strikes me what Julie said to me before, "It's not whether you win or lose; it's how much you win and how much you lose." The origin of this event was I was annoyed at Peter's attitude towards we inferiors. He always thinks his logic is the only workable way and supposes we shall follow his footsteps. To him, we have no choice but to obey the orders. In his mind, I suppose, his world is what everyone should pursue. So this time I tried to prove that I had my own ideas. I'm sick of being threatened this way, "If you can't follow my orders, then you can leave." I am not a goody-goody. I want to fight for what I think is indeed good to me.

By the way, the day before yesterday I said I was pathetically jealous of young guys' being young. I was tortured for getting elder. But Nadia's words encouraged me a little yesterday. She said, I trade my years with understanding and sophistication. That's what makes me better and what others can't take away from me. Yeah, just like lately, I received a phone call from my alumnus, a junior medical student, for official business. The way he talked and the way he arranged things upset me for being inconsiderate and rude. He was too young for doing serious business yet. See, that's probably what makes me stand ahead of him still proudly and confidently.