Afternoon Tea

The weather keeps chilly these days. But there is sunshine without rain. I strongly resist getting out of my bed in the morning, but afterwards take a walk in the daytime under the sun is quite a joy actually.

My proposal for leaving my bureau was rejected by Peter, while it's undeniable that we've drifted apart. It's okay. Colleagues said some words trying to comfort me, but I don't feel as terrible as they imagined. Neither regret for submitting the proposal, nor disappointment at being refused, since life is never 100% as good as one can get. For example, I hate my prominent mandibles and chin and my small eyes, but pitifully I was born with them. Similarly, I dislike the job I do now and the bureau I stay and the boss I work for, but the work itself is compulsory and I'm nothing but a pawn being manipulated by him. Then, if I hate all these and am eager to get rid of, where can I go for? Will the next position be better? How will people think of me leaving and coming back again? I need to admit that I wasn't too satisfied with my previous work environment, either. I cannot assure myself coming back there can make me happier. Possibly, staying in the present office is acceptable. I'll try to strike a balance between letting out of my true self and not upsetting Peter too much. At least there is one thing I feel good: to Peter, I'm worth retained rather than expelled.

It strikes me what Julie said to me before, "It's not whether you win or lose; it's how much you win and how much you lose." The origin of this event was I was annoyed at Peter's attitude towards we inferiors. He always thinks his logic is the only workable way and supposes we shall follow his footsteps. To him, we have no choice but to obey the orders. In his mind, I suppose, his world is what everyone should pursue. So this time I tried to prove that I had my own ideas. I'm sick of being threatened this way, "If you can't follow my orders, then you can leave." I am not a goody-goody. I want to fight for what I think is indeed good to me.

By the way, the day before yesterday I said I was pathetically jealous of young guys' being young. I was tortured for getting elder. But Nadia's words encouraged me a little yesterday. She said, I trade my years with understanding and sophistication. That's what makes me better and what others can't take away from me. Yeah, just like lately, I received a phone call from my alumnus, a junior medical student, for official business. The way he talked and the way he arranged things upset me for being inconsiderate and rude. He was too young for doing serious business yet. See, that's probably what makes me stand ahead of him still proudly and confidently.