江湖再見

來嘉義長庚工作已是第三次，也不會是最後ㄧ次，但相信不會有一次像這次ㄧ樣，輕鬆，自在，放。未來的日子裡，還是得小心翼翼的把自己的浪漫，懶散，愛戀，異想，驕傲，以及所有跟香格里拉有關的事情，藏在長滿細菌病毒的工作袍裡。 我背負著幸福，卻追尋著痛苦。

該說些告別感言，因為下ㄧ次要在此發言又不知是何月何日了。然後我就想起我曾經想發表卻一直未發表現在要硬擠出來也很怪所以該脆放棄它的退伍感言。退伍那天，我從恆春騎摩托車回高雄長庚，一整個路上，只見烏雲在天上跟我競速，我騎到哪雨就下到哪，包著ㄧ層薄薄的雨衣全身依然溼透；就這樣，溼答答的騎了五個多小時。當時心裡雜亂想著，退伍了，是狂歡還是失落，是解脫還是繼續不自由？

為什麼要一直聊當兵的話題呢，已經好幾次被身旁的姊姊們漂白眼了。但是，再怎麼聊，也是比談插了幾支管接了幾個新病人簽了幾張死診來的有意思呀，所以，雄壯　威武　嚴肅　剛直　安靜　堅強　確實　速捷　沉著　忍耐　機警　勇敢 ㄧ 二 三 四 ㄧ 二 三 四 ㄧ 二 三 四。

退伍時，累積了好幾位男孩的故事，最後依然未能付諸文章。一號男孩現在在台南榮院營養室發揮他所學，二號男孩在台北業績很好的公司打拼業務，三號在比利時當外交官，四號男孩去了紐西蘭一趟想去發展但最終仍回來台灣，五號男孩勉勉強強跌跌撞撞後來進嘉義長庚外科工作，六號男孩和當兵時認識的女友分手後在大台北跑業務，七號男孩在眾人的疼愛下慢慢長大，八號男孩和交往多年的女友分手了留在台北的手機公司發揮他所長，九號男孩在家裡準備普考想當公務員，十號男孩也窩在家裡準備考研究所，十一號男孩在台北當開業牙醫並準備結束一段戀情，十二號男孩暫時單身並在國泰內科服務(而我意外得知十一號跟十二號男孩先後都與我當兵時科裡的正妹交往！)，十三號男孩在家鄉附近的工業區做著他覺得無聊低成就的工作，十四號男孩在外島家鄉準備重考來懸壺濟世，十五號男孩工作斷斷續續但離家不遠，十六號男孩在總統就職日退伍緊接著到下營國小教書，十七號男孩靠著外語專長及大學所學在藥廠工作有不錯的收入，十八號男孩在台北獸醫診所服務，十九號男孩的新片叫籃球部落，二十號男孩在師大投入的念博士班，二十一號男孩在台北教大提琴存錢要去國外念書，二十三號男孩的飲料店才剛開張當老闆，二十四號男孩果真到嘉義長庚急診工作瘦了一大圈，二十二號男孩，嗯，我想我是真的失去他了。

那我， 繼續跟自己追逐的夢擦肩而過。ㄧ心想付出，但何處可收復，漆黑的大漠裡寂寞走走停停，任由不知情的風沙捲去腳印。

What The Fuck It Is......

Days without wards are fleeting away. Di Da Di Da Di Da. Too happy to stand saying goodbye. Too fast to catch the fleeting happiness. If it were the most blissful moments of my resident career, well, I believe it is, and the seniors told me so as well, I would like to thank the lovable colleagues with me this month. That we don't have to work together for long might account for your loveliness. Work always genders conflicts, and friction undermines friendship. So I prefer making friends with people outside my department, better far away from the hospital. Oops.

Seeing what I did in these photos? I played as the fireman. Easier to have days without responsibility than not. Play is always fun. Once I had to work instead of playing, I could not smile that way anymore. Therefore, I wonder if unwillingness and unhappiness are the essences of work itself. That's why we call work work, not play.

I'm Here For Your Entertainment

I'm not dead; I'm just floating. Regardless of who you suppose I am, I'm here for your entertainment. Come and mess with me tonight.

草莓的獨白

這張照片眼神真猥褻，活像強姦花燈似的，但實在沒啥近照，只好權作濫竽。花燈可是十六號男孩做的呢！

今晚跟幾名哥哥姐姐們去布袋觀光魚市吃海鮮，好吃！然後不免沮喪這樣的好日子不多了。能夠跟不是同醫院同科的同事ㄧ起吃吃感覺就是沒壓力，可以做回最原本的自己，三八，好吃，懶作，只想退休回家吃爸媽。話說上次回家，媽媽還安慰我說做父母的只希望兒女能快樂的生活，當下真想回：是嗎？那我不工作了，你養我..........　

ㄧ起吃飯的寬哥要跳槽了，告別地獄科，投奔別家院所的微風清涼科；倦鳥覓著餘花，儘管不捨仍是無限祝福。只是換我枉然了，堅持是想放棄卻不能甘心放手，長路踽踽獨行，見不著終點的旅程尤其難走。

2008，我投謝維洲。

晚上ㄧ人騎著摩托車從新營回嘉義長庚醫院，都快四月天了，還這麼冷，嗚。ㄧ路騎過數個農村小鎮，寂寥，偶有兩三村民在廟口聊天，或在小徑旁行走。夜晚的空白，讓我的寂寞無處躲，他的身影閃過騎的發悶的我。不由想到，前一晚才為父親敗選而淚流滿面的他，此刻應該正在基隆港搭船要前往東引；他的落寞，是否猶勝於我？

已經二十六歲了，居然ㄧ次投票經驗也沒有，這當中錯過的包含了最勁爆的兩顆子彈選總統。這次儘管閑賦在家，依然沒意願做出選擇，因為我認為兩邊都派出了優秀的候選人，ㄧ中不等於賣台，本土不等於鎖國，不管選上誰，台灣都會有充滿展望的未來。可是，就在選舉結束前兩小時，我看到了他上新聞時的靦腆。準總統的兒子在東引當大頭兵，這個屌。有的人當兵是預官增額、ㄧ隻手做伏地挺身、好威，有的人是跟本不用當兵。ㄧ點情感因素下，我第一次去投票了，而且，我爸爸有提醒我不能用私章蓋選票！

我想起以前大學得同學學長學長學弟，多的是校隊裡、體壇競賽的中流砥柱，每次有敏感政治議題或事件，都會在bbs上大抒衿懷、痛陳時正、歌頌民主、疾乎獨立；巧的是，我認識的這近十個人後來在面對兵役問題時，都用各種方法刻意逃過！愛國這檔事，喊的總是比做的容易，學生時代的理想或承諾，暨純潔也幼稚，是如何不堪現實的洗練？

所以，他在千里之外牽動了我的心。電視在販賣檯面上的謊言，意氣風發的少年，失落在理想現實之間；多少人生活在這個世界，卻嚮往另一個世界，口口聲聲要做英雄聖賢，最後卻變成魔鬼。我騎在淒冷的鄉村小道，身旁的農田是祖先默默揮下他們的汗水與熱血，在這土地繁衍，歲歲年年。

披著羊皮的狼

唉唷喂呀，怎麼會穿成這副德性呀~ 同事說是星際大戰風，我自己的設定則是 "披著羊皮的替代役狼"，不過不管怎樣，看在旁人眼裡，應該都是怪咖ㄧ枚吧~

有同事說我敢於與眾不同，不顧旁人眼光；這不是事實！我很在意外人對我的指指點點，有誰能說不在意就不在意呢？只是，boys just wanna have fun~

不過真不敢相信效果看起來這麼醜呀。還是po出來紀念一下。我是一隻披著羊皮的狼，伺服等待你成為我嘴裡的羔羊；我拋卻同伴獨自流浪，那是因為不願別人把你給分享 。今晚，狼的嚎叫就在這淒冷的补子街頭回蕩。

Fighter

If I could ever achieve something, I'd like to thank those who ever gave me credits or compliments which were far far more than what I had done. It was these overpraises, though not all out of true hearts, that spurred me on keeping up with them. These boasts always reminded me to make more of myself not to let them become vaunts.

And for sure, there were more times I was disregarded or insulted on the long way I grew up. Thanks again for those who did bad to me. I knew I was weak, I was sissy, I had no background. The only thing I could revenge was to transform myself into a more powerful and respectful person, to overshadow those mean guys. I still could remember how those kids call me "freak" when I was in elementary school, how classmates betrayed and alienated me, how strangers misunderstood me, how people talked of me as a gay behind me........

Recalling these, there were sweets, but more hurts. Inevitably, I had been indulged in regrets or hatred. But tonight one friend reminded me, the past is not for regret but for remembrance; if you have ever lost something before, win them back in the future.

So, I play as the fighter, against loneliness, laughter, and contempts. I fight for my love, my family, and those who put their faith in me. Please keep on believing me, then I can know how to make it.

Boy Twenty-Three: I'm 23, I Own My Store

Boy 23, A-Tze, aged 23, was my comrade in the same subgroup on 成功嶺. It was quite coincidental that me, Boy 1, and him, were all feminine to some degree....... I and Boy 1 are sissy behaviourally, while A-Tze has been beset by his unpleasantly feminine hoarse voice. And it was this coincidence that put we three together and become very good friends since then.

I've been impressed by A-ze's smartness on 成功嶺 by his good order in taking care of things, and believe he can be a reliable and responsible person. As I guess, he did a good job during substitute service, and left very good reputation.

The above is me and A-ze's cousin. After finishing the substitute service, A-ze becomes the comrade that has most frequent contact with me. I, A-ze, and his cousin went to KTV, visited the night market, and had a meal together quite a few times. But as I know, A-ze worked in a drink shop after service and didn't really make an ideal salary. He wasn't that willing to have interviews for company, much part because he wasn't satisfied with his own voice and didn't want to get hurt by this. Since I knew him, he has been tortured by some innocent insults and felt depressed many times.

But this changed since 3/17. On this day, A-ze's own tea shop opened in Tainan City.

It has been his dream to have his own store, and running a tea shop is his expert, for he worked in tea shops for quite a long time earning his own living fees when studying. This was what he told me on 成功嶺. But you know, at that time, 8 out of 10 boys would tell you he wanted to run a store, and I though to myself, guys, you were too young...... a long way to go, aah.......... But A-ze makes it.

Of course I know there are quite a few hardships waiting for him in terms of business. How to collect more customers, how to make the unique taste and own brand....... These are all puzzles hard to unwind. I cannot expect how much success he can make. So far as he told me, he worked 10AM to 10PM, Sunday to Monday, running a store all by himself. Woo, though we are slim, feminine, and "strawberries" like............., we are even tastier after trials.

We Don't Say Goodbye

退伍後上班ㄧ陣子，14號男孩有問我怎麼沒再寫部落格了。嗚，因為生活無趣嘛，擠不出心得來，每天在醫院裡，上演ㄧ樣的劇情，做ㄧ樣的事，靠一樣的夭，法ㄧ樣的客，雪ㄧ樣地特.........原諒我腦汁已經被榨乾。當然也不能說我很討厭或很不適合這份工作，只是，我對於我如花般的青春竟鎮日鎖在院所裡，很是感到哀傷；再者，總覺得自己的人生，不該只有醫師這項頭銜。

然後，這個月來到嘉義從事為期一個月的社區醫學參訪，總算跟正常的社會有ㄧ點連結，也開始比較有空發展我這年紀該有的人際關係。我在社區長青會裡驚訝於年長著們的可愛與生命力，而非病房裡ㄧ副副好不了也死不掉的軀體。8號男孩跟我說他的爸爸住院了，生的是病房裡常見的病，接受的是病房裡常見的術式，讓我反省過往那無數個只在我腦海裡經過而未曾駐留的個案們，是否也跟我有某種生活上的連結。我也開始網交了，幹，青春洋溢的正妹真多，呆在醫院太久精蟲都死掉了.........

8號男孩說 ，我的blog讓他很有感覺，要我繼續寫下去。馬的這理工組的男生，居然講出這王八蛋感性的話，我在成功嶺真是看走眼了。

所以，就是這麼一些事情，讓我決定繼續寫下去。今天也是同梯孟澤弟弟的小草生活飲品在台南市東門圓環民權路上開幕的日子，紀念一下。未來，在這吳替代役男小泰，吳小泰醫師，演藝人員吳小泰的部落格裡，we don't say goodbye！

Bad Boy

真的很酷，blogger終於支援播放影片功能了。我就把我在無名的影片搬來這裡囉~紀念那段特別的日子，啊~ 思念是ㄧ種病...........

Post Graduate Days

和幾位同仁ㄧ起在發燒篩檢站前合影。沒錯，是我，一整個給他太high。

去布袋鎮長青會給阿公阿嬤們衛教。但顯然的，開演唱會才是此行的重點？無字的情批~
在病房看到老人們，只有無力感~ 因為住院日數拖很久，病況ㄧ波未平ㄧ波又起。來此之前，我都忘了老人們也可以跟我們一樣正常的過日子？
開始裝替代役起來了~~ 裝瞎裝到大林慈濟安寧病房。

沒辦法，ㄧ整個給他覺得穿制服很帥！

替代役青年們，打造新世界！ 撒野撒到嘉義縣衛生局。

在醫院地下一樓住院醫師辦公室裡。
苦悶的日子裡也希望能有點樂子。以上感謝莉妍姐提供一系列照片，在未來五年裡提醒我曾這樣天真爛漫過。