Hysteric Fights

This morning I heard a serious arguement between two members in the neighboring office of Ministry of Foreign Affairs. It's quite scary to me because the atmopshere was quite furious and the arguements were between two high-leveled officials. I contemplated this kind of irrational quarrel should only happen between silly, childish, and low-classed people, like me and Michael.

Michael is my colleague who is accompanying me to Marshall Islands. He graduated from medical school as I did, yet we are on the extremes. He shows apathy about the Marshall Project, even though I tried several times to stir her interests, or to say, responsibility. I think the only reason he chooses to participate in us in spite of his disinterestedness is, it' cool. It's cool to go abroad during the fucking obligatory social service a piece of shit, but it's no cool concerning the efforts you should pay abroad, or before aboroad. I try to make the best of myself during this project, but I feel cold flush when Michael turns his back on me again and again. Due to this kind of irreconsilable differences, I suggested Michael to bow out of this program. These rude words irritated Michael unexpectedly, since I am nothing but his peer. He freaked out. He said, "I will not beat you here in Taiwan, but............"

I feel disheartened. I don't think I deserve this. But I know I must do something wrong making the condition even worse. Well, although we are on the same boat cruising, we have different purposes taking this boat. It's hard or even impossible to push or demand him to navigate to the direction I want it to be. He doesn't push me, either. So where will the boat lead to? Nothing in between or in between?

Anyhow, at least Michael showed me his bottom of line. For my own safety in the future year on that bleaky and sterile island, I decide to draw back my harsh personality a liitle and swallow all the bitchy and bitter words I used to say to others. Michael can make something big. He makes his own way to get permiitted to the medical school and next licensed as a physician, regardless of his unfavorable and poor family background. I cannot say he is lazy; a sloth cannot achieve as he does. He just has his knacks and skills, which are extremely different from mine. So maybe the best way for our collaboration is to leave him alone, while to leave me alone, too. Then it's not collaboration. So can I make it alone on the island? No way. Jesus Christ.

Life is short. I try to make it shine. What's puzzling, sometimes it's an issue of the scale's balance between how much you want to earn and how much you can sacrifise. To save, or to lose. To gain, or to let it go. And what's most suffering, the tip of what you expect to earn is unpredictable and unsteady, before you put all yourself on the other tip. Even so, possibly just as Julie said, life itself is not merely to lose or to win; it's how much you lose and how much you win. So far I try hard, to lose less.