To Live Or Not To Live

In the end of reading the Chinese fiction "To Live 活著", my heart was throbbing and my emotions were on the roller coaster. No tears on my face, but the scenes, the tesnion and conflicts among villagers, the anger, compromise, and struggle in each role, are all vivdly inscribed in my memory as if I could see them in my eyes. I am touched by the power of the strong perseverance contained in the book in order to to survive, to make a living, to squeeze out oneself a spot in the shitty environment, where poverty spread, dogs ate dogs, and life was not earthly cherished or respected. The deep implications in these easily understood words try to reveal that, fame came, furniture gone, if one holds on there refusing to succumb to destiny, then he can really live enough to win your life. On the contrary, if one is desperate in his belief to live, nobody else can save him from the profound well.

Don't know why. Though I'm still young at the age of 25, I think I've seen better days. As I get older, more and more affairs take me to reconsile, to bend my head saying I will, to smile at people I hate. I wonder if this is the avenue to maturation. I struggled again and again to come this way. I didn't mean to hurt people I loved or to disappoint people by whom I was believed. I desired for a little space to make a choice out of my own will, then take my deep breath, having the prerequisite that not standing on others' way. Isn't it that difficult?

These days I know I angered quite a few colleques by refusing to attend and do shows on New Year's Party, refusing to do the Marshall Islands Project, refusing to go abroad, refusing to do others a favour, refusing every thing. After so many refusals I get myself confused now. How important my principle is? Why can't I be rendered more uselful and available to others, for possibly one day I may need their favours, too. I stumble and crumble. Whether living pressure or living meaning counts I dither; I am a werecked bird, trying to fly high but failed. The sweet and the bitter in living come alternatively; I've been searching a nestle to rest.