Morning Tea

Wow, it has been two weeks since I wrangled with my boss, Peter. At present I'm put in an embarrassing situation: no business at my hand, while my seat pretty near Peter's office; we barely talk. Aah.... Though I can have more leisure time doing my Chinese novel reading, I insidiously perceive guilty. My English ain't improving, either. I seldom read essays or listen to radio in English language these weeks. Most of the free time is for social activities and novel reading. So am I stunted in progress? I comfort myself that at reading is at least not too bad. Reading novels in Chinese has been what I'm interested but what I couldn't spare time for; the contents of books calm my perplexed and annoyed mind in this unpeaceful working environment.

I miss my mom. She is aging, getting weaker and more ailed. But she turns to be a grandma recently. It must be a bliss to her. I wish her joy and peace.

Sopkesman For Bachelorism

I am the spokesman for bachelorism. It's no doubt, for I never have a girlfriend. Never ever. No one dates me, no one says she loves me. Seems so weird to somebody I know for never make a duo, while it's an ordinary routine to me.

As far as a sissy boy without a girlfriend history is concerned, I've experienced being confused and bothered to be misunderstood all the times as a gay. Years went by, and I am tired to explain any more. "Too picky", "too much occupied in studies", "haven't found the destiny", are all excuses. I know clearly that femininity of a man is god's condemnation. No woman likes her man to act like a woman. I try to change it, but in vain. I was born with these all, and there was nothing I could do about it. It's my fate, my nature, my ego.

I still have quite a few unspoken crushes these years. Yeah, sentimental people like me always live in fantasies or unrealistic adorations. And also, I've been expecting having my own wife, my own children, my own house, and my own family. However, these could hardly be possible for me. I could not provoke the women's desire.

In spite of the harsh reality, I have no choice but to change my attitude towards enjoying bachelorism. Living in the city is boring. I cannot expect a girl to make it colorful. Only I can make mine seemingly worthwhile to live it. Besides, I can spend more time with my parents. They mean so much to me. I cannot imagine one sole day without them in this world. Fragility and desolation are the last things I shall unveil to others. Hang on there.

Impermanence

Last night, Taiwanese rising TV idol 許瑋倫 was killed by a car accident at the age of 28. I can't even recognize her face yet before she left our world.

Last Wednesday on my way home from dinner, I coincidentally met a long lost friend. He is my college classmate and serves his military service in Taipei. We used to be quite close; we travelled to France, Spain, and 宜蘭 together. However, due to inexplicable differences between our personality, we were away from each other later. But what an amusing surprise to see him again!

Last last Wednesday my big brother's first boy was just born. Wow, I turn out to be a cousin. I'm so proud of myself to be it!

In the end of last year, one couple in my collage days broke up, to everybody's surprise. They are both good persons. They both deserve not to be hurt. The boy serves his military service now, the girl works in the hospital as a resident pediatrician, and that's probably why the girl dumps the boy for such a giant gap in their living situation. I feel deeply sorry and great sympathy for the boy. I know how lonely, sorrowful, and helpless life is in the troops, not to mention being "deserted" and "not understood" inside there by someone who used to be that familiar and close.

Yesterday I finished reading the Chinese novel classic, 未央歌, An Unfinished Song. The context is rather lengthy with redundant descriptions of scenery and philosophical thoughts and talks to himself. In spite the over romantic dreamy style of the novel is absolutely not my favour, I need to admit this book arouses my nostalgia of college life. In this book, each character is innocent and good-hearted enjoying their brilliant and colorful youth, which reminds me of my past. I owned all of it while I didn't notice or cherish it. I was young and weak and proud. I am away from that farther and farther.

During last weekend I took a walk in 明志 university of technology. This school consists mainly of boys. Wandering in the campus, I was preoccupied with the atmosphere of young guy's boldness, energy, manhood, being naive and blooming, which I had and I was surrounded with, and which I no longer possess. I enjoy the air so much, while simultaneously I cannot but be jealous of those young men. I just cannot be resigned to the truth. This ain't an unfinished song. It's finished already. I am searching an unfailing spring; I am expecting an immortal promise. But sweet dreams are fragile, beautiful countenances are fading, and we turn out weeping farewell to our lovers, to my past.

Reveries

Right the moment I prepare to write some sentiments, our Taiwanese honours, Chan Yung-Jan and Chuang Chia-Yun, the tennis women's doubles pair who were underrated and unseeded before entering the Australian Open Slam, just swept away China's No. 2 seed duo by 6:3, 6:4 in the semi-final, and got the tickets for final, making an unprecedented all-time record in Taiwan's tennis history. What a splendid glory!

Well, it's strange. It's two strangers' business and has earthly nothing to do with me. So why, why am I excited, why do I feel dignified in this moment in time? There must be something linked between me and those two girls, one 22 of age and the other 17, both younger than me. Albeit I don't actively express respect for my nation during daily life, though our society have many disputes concerning domestic reforms in politics and policies, even if I am disappointed by government organizations and some officials, to name it, Peter Chang, certain pride and love of this land has been growing obscurely in my heart.

Then, how'bout my life now? I haven't updated my blog for a while. There is some giant change about my coming year's plan. Most important of all, I reject Peter's request to go to Marshall Islands and break up with him; I feel disheartened and discouraged to come this way along. I sense the inconsistency amid what Peter promised to me in the beginning, what I observe he does afterwords, and how people comment him. Following my obejction, our relationship becomes tense and scarred. As far as I'm concerned, there are principles and truths I think I shall cling to rather than compromise. Of course, nothing is purely good or entirely evil; there are many deals veiled and unknown to me the outsider. I 'm learning, and have learned a lot from him.

Last night I had a dinner with one section chief in my office. She is one of the numerous single office ladies I encounter, by far outnumbering what I supposed there were before I came to this department. These single ladies are gorgeous, beautiful, well-paid, scholarly, friendly, and anything that should not put them in the single status. So where have all the cowboys gone? Are these ladies lonesome? Were they heartbroken and incredulous of men since then? They are losing their capacity of childbearing; don't they yearn for having their own kids? Are they pressured by consensus from family and colleagues? Can they stand that? This is one of the few moments I'm thankful I'm a boy instead of a girl.

Sexy Me-- Ain't I Sexy?

Yeah, men must envy me. Girls around me are all-time beauties of different types, from shining Nadia, gorgeous Julie, to sexy Claire on the top photos. Wow~ Although most time of me sucks, there are still few moments that I 'm not that bad, like me in the top photos. Hey, do I look disgustingly pretentious?

Boy Three: He Was Sugarson

We all have the past. If you look back at my photos in this blog, you may be surprised how much I have transformed-- better or worse unknown. But he changes little. See, I believe you can recognize him at the first sight. I surfed the Internet and found out these precious photos. Yet what astonished me more is that his English name was sugar!!!! Then it must have been a bitter one.........

Alas, two elder senior officers from Ministry Of Foreign Affairs next to my office had a mad argument again on a tiny errand when I wrote this entry. Crazy World. Hey, aren't they sophisticated men?

Every man is a boy in the dim recess, no matter from Geneva or Marshall Islands, no matter being a Director-General or a handy boy. My first impression on Sugarson was, he was super decorous with decency. At that time, I was fed up with my job being an office boy on everybody's errands in another bureau. His invitations to his office and promises gave me a lot of dreams and aspirations. As most people can tell, he is sophisticated and strictly well mannered, and indeed, I learn a lot from him about how to deal with foreigners and how to speak diplomatic language.

However, as time went by, I get to know the deeper side, or you can say the more truthful aspect of him. His attitude is pushy; though he represses himself as a gentleman, there are times he loses control a little bit. At that time, he words are heart-breaking to us inferiors. It scares me. Day by day, I make up my mind to say goodbye to him.

I told to Sugarson my decision of resignation this morning. Of course I was rejected. What will be going on I don't know. Part of me laughs, part of me cries, and part of me wants to question why. One day I'm here, next I'm gone, yet no matter what life must go on.

A'int It Goodbye

Yesterday in the English class, Nadia mentioned that our curriculum was running to the end, with only two or three classes left to go. After that, "I will miss you, guys." Ya, I'll be missing you, too, Nadia.

I just realized in these years that goodbye doesn't literally mean to see you again. In the vast majority of cases, goodbye means never to see that one for your lifetime. Although we try to persuade each other-- "keep in contact!", "see you soon!", or "I'll call you back!", we end out to be disconnected. After all, people come, people go, we have no choice but to occupy ourselves in establishing new relationships, to adapt ourselves to the changing circumstances, to let go what you grasped before, and to hold on to the ensuing target.

Recently I reviewed some name cards I was given. It brings a lot of memories in my recess of mind. One stranger gave me a hitch when I lost the last bus in the Young-Ming Mountains at night 6 years ago. I tried to follow the name card he gave me to mail him back, but the address account is not available; the name of his company even changes. One Japanese boy who was my closest friend in the English Camp in Australia 7 years ago gave me a name card, on which the e-mail account seems to be deleted, too. Not to mention lots of contact information of my other foreign classmates in Australia was missing. And funny to say, although I still had in my hand some e-mails of my exchange classmates all over the world when we visited Japan 3 years ago, I hesitated to contact them. I was jaded, and didn't know what to say.

What's even ironic, I hardly get a phone call, message, or a mail from my "7 years" college classmates. I tried to call a few of them; they were either so hectic to utter few words in response, or so tired and sleepy to mumble non-sense. They are hospital staff; I could comprehend it, yet I felt sad and helpless.

Yesterday, I assumed I would say goodbye to Nadia, and Julie the next. But right this morning, the situation somehow changed. My unreasonably gross freak Jackass jelly-head boss was mad at me and Michael without earthly an omen. Fuck it. He said, "You can leave our bureau any time if you could not keep up with my requests." I object to be insulted this way, and I'm fed up with working under this unpleasant pressure. I seriously asked things about the resignation. Every body told me, it's all up to him a piece of shit.

I seriously want to quit right now and move to the other bureau I was familiar with. And if it happens, it turns out to be Nadia and Julie to send me goodbye. And see, this is simply how goodbye is. Send people away while you are sent away. I will sincerely miss you, girls.

Boy Two: Faith/Pride/Courage/Youth

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Look at the boy at the right. How pretty his face and body are-- the latter, of course, are only known by his roommate.

The first time I heard JayDavid speak during a group discussion, he impressed me a lot by saying, "Don't set limits for your wages", when asked of his wishes for the future. That group discussion consisted of substitute service newcomers, some of whom come from medical schools, for example, me, and some from graduate schools. Jay, nothing but a medical administration graduate, made the most astonishing declaration in it.

Later on, through some twists and turns, I became Jay's roommate. He shared some of his family background and living disciplines with me. His father is a insurance broker, and makes excellent achievements (and a lot of fortune) in his company. I imagine his Dad a tough guy. During college days, Jay realized his disinterestedness in his major soon, and turned his attention to insurance administration and investments, which are for sure inspired and stirred by his Dad. He acquired quite a few insurance licenses at a super young age of 20. Now, he is studying for an estate agent qualification examination. What's more commendable, at rest, he studies English, and reads numerous books about career scheme and motivations.

To make him outstanding is not only his diligent learnings but also his adorable physical strength. Guess how many push-ups he does within one day. Two thousand. You don't read it wrong..... Dumbbells are everywhere with him whether watching TV or playing computer. He enjoys this kind of training, which he thinks enables him to be more competent when confronted with future challenges.

JayDavid makes a very clear and determined plan about balance management. At present, we earn a shabby salary of approximately 10,000 NT per month. I run it out plus advance. But he saves 8,000 NT per month, Jesus! He spends less than 35 NT in each meal by eating without meat in cafeteria and collecting bread on sale and instant Milo powder for breakfast. I don't think nowadays youngsters could stand that. At least I can't. He saves these money as funds for further investments.

Sounds like a wonder boy, huh? Good father model, good career schedule, strong mind, strong body, keen learning, etc. Too perfect to be true. In my previous entry, I remarked so:"I don't see any sense and point if he would fail." But honestly speaking, I fear if it does happen. Jay builds a invincible castle to endeavor inside. Everything is impeccable. While sarcastically, impeccability doesn't exist on earth. Sometimes I wish he relaxes more, caresses imperfect flaws, and rests in downturns. Life is not all about fighting. Life emphasizes moderation. Of course it deserves a lot of encouragings for a young man to be active and aggressive in searching his goals and realizing his dreams, but can he allow setbacks, how long can he sustain, when can he be satiable, how much is enough to render him happy, and how about the ones who love him but inevitably would be ignored during his fight for his aims? Are they included in his plan?

My cared Jay, you life cannot lose. Your wings are fresh, and the missions are heavy to carry.

Jay transmits strong radio-frequency, my personal feelings. Ya everybody has his own frequency; it come from your ideas, your pride, your faith, and your attitude. But since every individual carry a unique frequency, it has to be adjusted a little bit, to fit in the harmonious groove. Jay strongly absorbs the signals coming from the same frequency, but how'bout the different others? Lastly, a roommate's private suggestion, CLING TO YOUR MORALE, NOT STICK TO YOUR BED.

10 S Define Oscar

Get to know me more. Several "S" show you the way.

1. Sissy: Yeah, sad to say, the first impression I make on others is always, "sissy". I tried to change, but I failed, since it's so natural from my childhood til now. And I hardly told my family and friends that, I have been made fun of and given the elbow by being feminine since I've grown up too many times to cry a tear. I don't let them know because I don't want them hurt or insulted. Therefore, if you're reading this paragraph, you step closer to the recess of my heart than my family and friends.

2. Straight and Single: I'm sissy, so I'm single, but I claim straight. I'm available 24 hours a day for any girl to come date me. C'mon, girls! Have some guts!

3. Strange: Sissy means strangle. And if you are unfortunately in a conservative and traditional field like medicine, you are fucking strange. See, all the sins come from being sissy. Numberless times I thought to myself what if I could live a normal life, just like a common boy, without disgusting others by uttering a single word or doing a sole motion ?

4. Sentimental: If you read my previous entries, I hope my ridiculous sentiments don't grieve you. It's just so true of me.

5. Smiles: Mmmm, although I'm sentimental, I smile unconsciously from childhood most of the time. I'm glad it adds points to me when encountering strangers. I'm used to smiling.

6. Spicy: Ha ha, I love Spice Girls; I get a lot of inspirations from them. I'm very eager to give out the different flavours in myself from this boring hypocritical environment.

7. Superficial: Oops, sorry to inform you with this. I care excessively about my over prominent mandibles, my minimal eyes and too short eyelashes, my bald forehead, my atrophic muscles, and my pores on my face.

8. Sincere Scorpion: Last but not the least, I'm a loyal and faithful Scorpion. Everything I do, I do it for my love without doubt or hesitation. If you are my blog reader, I hope you can read my sincerity in my creation.

Boy One: Hatred/Fear/Life

I pick One Lau as the number one to start in my voyage of boys, because not only his first name is coincidentally just a single word: "One" ("Yi" in Chinese pronunciation), but he is also the most special boy I've ever encountered so far.

I met "One" in the troops during the one month military training last July. He was short, big-eyed, and very sissy as I do-- but he acted more prominently. And that's why I, and most of the peers I believe, got to know and recognize him soon. Right on the first day we entered the troops, both of us made a cannot-be-smaller mistake, and underwent the cannot-be-more-outrageous physical punishment. Even though it has been quite a while passed by, I could still sense the spine-tingling indignity and fears I experienced then. Well, that was the first time I heard Lao gasp numbering off. Just like a chick.

I was grouped into the same team as Lau. Thereafter, we had more opportunities to talk. Lau's father is a veteran over 60 and mother is a polio patient. Allow me to be frank, it sounds like a unsound family background. Lau majored in nutrition at college. He was very out-going and had a very colorful college life despite his unpleasant family affairs. As a matter of fact, he was fun, and to a degree, funny in our team. Yet even so, he had serious problems accommodating himself to the military circumstances, the same as I did. So whenever we were let free, I ran to his bed to complain to each other all the unreasonable sufferings. Bit by bit, I stepped into his world; one time I had the honor to be confessed about his politically incorrect sexual orientation.

As you might have already guessed, to be sissy was against every rule in army. Quickly One became noted. He was the target of peers' jokes and the topic of gossips. Each time he was made fun of and asked evilly about his inclination, he pretended innocence and just smiled without explaining anything. You shall imagine how awkward and embarrassing those moments were. Had it been me, I would have broken down and surrendered to the unpleasant pressure. But beyond my expectations, One confronted all these rude acts with a positive attitude and tough personality. He comforted himself and also me that, everything happened in the troops was merely a transit; one month later, we would be set free to serve the substitute service in the "public" society, in contrast to the close system of army filled with atrocities and insults. Yeah, he fared well off as time went by, and stepped out the troops with laughter. He made it and helped me make it, too.

I need to dedicate my thanks to One Lao. Had there not been him, I would have suffered more unnecessary and unfriendly attentiveness then. At least people noticed him before me for the feminine conduct. Although I hesitate saying so, this world is factually a men's world in most part. Men made a earning, drew policies, initiated wars, and set standards regarding what is good and what is evil. To the majority of men, the way our world goes is so natural, like bidden by Goodness. Thereby, it is difficult to persuade Great Men, who have played critical roles in human history for centuries that, there are somebody else on earth. There remains minority, and minority doesn't mean freaks/plagues/heresy/heterodox/monsters/aliens/ curses.

Well, here is my deepest and sincerest protests and appeals to our army institutions. Not every man can fit in that kind of training or environment. Not each man wannnabe the "man". If discrepancy shall be respected in a democratic society as now, can military training still be obligatory? Can our young fellows say no to drafts, if they don't feel comfortable in that? What good on earth does this obligation do to our youngsters? Do they deserve it? Are others worth them?

Love/Hope/2007/Future

In the beginning, a skin-deep question: which me in the two photos above do you like? With or without glasses?

It's no surprise that once again and again, the New Year's Eve became an out-and-out catastrophe for me. I think for people like me, who lacks a positive power deep inside, always turn everything met into a tragedy. I witnessed and experienced.

This year I chose to go around Taipei 101 to have the final countdown. I heard there was a unprecedented and unparallelled parade there at 2:00 p.m., so I got there before that. Aah, to my disappointment, that parade was quite small and boring, and I kept standing there watching on the sidewalk.

Afterwards on 4:00 p.m., I decided to line up waiting for the countdown concerts expected to take place on 7:00 a.m. in order to acquire a clearer view at front space. And that's one more mistake I made. One hour after the concert started on 8:00 p.m., I decided to bow out leaving the concerts, for firstly my back was nearly broken, secondly I could not even breathe any fresh air, which was inhaled out in the sardine-like crowds, and thirdly the performers were indeed dull and barely aroused my enthusiasm to hang on there. And that's just another more mistake I made. There were only hundreds of people ahead of me but tens of thousands behind then, and it was by far more difficult to get out of than get into the crowds. After left, no way to get back.

8:30 p.m. I tried to get some food or drinks, and found a seat to rest my miserably paining back. But it wasted me one hour to finally find out a not too bad restaurant, after seeking for a vacant seat in the dining street of Taipei 101, A8, A9, A11, A any number in vain. People were everywhere. P.S. nobody was alone as I noticed. The restaurant I found was actually located near Sun Yat-Sen's Memorial Hall, which was already a MRT station away from Taipei 101.

Having had dinner. 10:00 p.m. I tried to get back to the concert. Wow, there were hundreds of thousands spectators there now. The stage was simply too far from my spot to see anything. After staying for a while, I wanted to go the rest room. I was not really in a hurry; I merely had nothing to do and guessed the call of nature could kill some time. Oh, yeah, it killed incredibly madly a lot of time. After visiting each lavatory on each floor of Taipei 101, A8, A9, A fucking number and stunted by the incomprehensibly damn lengthy queue, I realized that refraining was the best policy.

So, I turned back to the crowds before the stage. And this was the three more silly stupid unforgivable mistake I made. Now, kilometers spanning around Taipei City Hall, every road was occupied by people sitting on it, chatting, eating, waiting for the anticipating Taipei 101 fireworks at the turn of next year. The scene was extremely like Armageddon, pedestrian stuck in the middle of roads, chaotic and sluggish flow of people. I spent one more hour to be pushed, bumped, and stumbled back to the tip of the crowds before the concerts without making it to the toilet. It was 11:30 p.m.

5, 4, 3, 2, 1, Happy New Year!!!!!!!! The fireworks was not too splendid, but good enough to chat with friends if asked what was done at the final. After the pyrotechnics show, every body was cheering and having fun with friends or family. And it was nothing but one more year for me to be alone. No one to celebrate on or to be celebrated by. I dragged my ailing back, walked through the shouting, screaming, and horn blaring, trod over the mounding garbage, and crammed out of the squeezing cars and jaywalkers homing. At 2:30 AM, I homed at my slobbish and shabby dorm, none with me. I thought to myself, how to explain to others what I did for my New Year's Eve?

However, it was not all that bad. My wallet and mobile phone were still intact with me, in contrast to 7 years ago when I was a college freshman having a brand new mobile phone stolen when I attended a concert. I didn't fall into any unaccountably ridiculous wrangle with strangers, which I was involved 7 years ago in the same event aforementioned. I got 4 messages with best wishes, all from new friends I made during this year and none from old acquaintances. I thought of but didn't take the initiative to call my family, so I deserved all the loneliness.

This way of celebration was not good, yet not that bad. I exaggerated by calling it a catastrophe in the beginning of this essay. Had my life been full of ruins and scars in the past, this was merely a joke to mention, a sort of material to share on the blogs or during daily conversation. I still have a brilliant future, I know. Don't be that pessimistic, childish Oscar. You have had so much. Don't bore your audience away by indulged in your self-righteous gloomy atmosphere. All you have to declare is:

Give Me One Girlfriend! Grant Me With Ordinary Love! C'mon C'mon C'mon To Break My Heart Again! For poor my sake.